To the moon (and back?)

I have been trying to write this blog post for months.  Literally – I started it back in late December! There are a couple of reasons for why it’s been so hard to find time to write.  Mostly, to put it bluntly… I have two children.  For those of you who have two children, especially those of the sub-5 years old category, well… you know.  Those of you that are not similarly cursed blessed don’t get it.  “Surely, you must have some time to yourself,” you must think.  Oh, to be so innocent!

I’ve tried explaining what’s it like having two children to people who don’t; it is surprisingly tough.  Everyone believes they are empathic or experienced enough to understand, but it’s not so simple.  People don’t want to hear the hard facts because they too think that they would like to have 2 kids.  It’s such a nice, even number. 

[Caution to the reader: if you are thinking about having a second child, you may want to stop reading.  Also, if your name is Kathi Yenney, you may want to stop reading.]

Have you ever been to another country?  Becoming a parent is somewhat like traveling to another country.  It’s exciting, a bit anxiety-inducing, but also something amazing because you know it will be an adventure; you know it will make you a more compassionate human being.  Surely, the jet-lag will suck, but it will be so eye-opening too.  It’s not a life-and-death situation or anything truly dangerous (once you get past birth).

You might think having a second child would be the same.  Maybe a new continent this time, but nothing universally explosive, right?  But that’s where you would be sorely mistaken, my friend. No, having a second child is like traveling to the moon.  Not just shocking, but entirely mind-altering and intense on a level that really… well, it ought to require lots more familiarity with physics, plus training and preparation – somewhat like what astronauts get!  You need to be ready for a complete shift of your grounding, of what it’s like to breath, and of what it’s like to be hurtled through time and space.  I am not kidding.  Speaking of time, did you know it’s 2015?  Whaaaat? 

Of course going to the moon is not all bad.  It must be terrifying, but it’s also the opportunity of a lifetime and (very likely) shifts your perspective in a massive way.  [I don’t know – I’ve never been – but go with me on this one, ok?]  Again, having two kids is the same.  Terrifying at times, but it also forces you to be so full of love and respect for life, and your partner (if you’re lucky), that you couldn’t imagine undoing it all or never having traveled there.  Once witnessed, you can’t unsee it, you know?

I’ll give you some examples.  Lukas is sick this week.  He’s got an ear infection and, in all likelihood, is also teething.  To say that he is miserable is an unjust understatement.  What this means in our reality is that none of us are remotely well-rested, we are all short-tempered, and nearly all the time at least one of the four of us is screaming and there is food on the walls.  Tonight, Lukas yelled/cried at me for 40 minutes.  Have you ever had anyone scream in your ear for even 5 minutes?  It’s actually very much like torture.  Your brain is charged with chemicals and your mind starts to go to weird places.  Mind you – you are simultaneously trying to be compassionate! We need more sleep (desperately), I haven’t checked my personal email since I-don’t-know-when, and our house hasn’t been vaccumed in a month because Lukas’ needs are all-consuming. We are NOT at our best, people!  Any yet, like the star that she is, Reese is trying mightily to make Lukas laugh and to impress us with her quickly-progressing skills in writing and sounding out letters.

In another episode, Reese was unfortunate enough to get lice and the infestation lasted WEEKS.  We washed and bleached all her blankets (several times), threw away certain toys, bought new pillows, and treated her hair with more chemicals than you will find at Monsanto!  Combing through her hair, square inch by square inch, took dozens of hours off our lives.  After nearly 20 days, and too much missed school time, I had a tantrum in front of her principal and I threatened to shave her head bald.  Not my proudest moment, folks.  Despite the mayhem, Lukas cut his first 2 teeth and learned to crawl that month. 

Like training for a trip to outer space, parenting two children takes ALL of your time and concentration.  You have to be IN IT and be uber-focused.  You don’t have time for extra-curricular activities!  I have never spent so little time at work as I have in these last 4 months.  That’s ok.  But my social life has also never suffered to this degree and that’s tougher to bear.  I fear some of my dearest friends have given up on me since we were the parents of two.  [I’m looking at you CO’D, OGB, AH-G, KDP, and so many others!]  I want to respond to your emails, to chat with you on Skype, or to comment on your photos and witty FB posts… but I can’t.  Lukas just threw up on me or pooped his pants and Reese is having a tantrum about brushing her teeth or wearing mittens to bed.  As I write this, my shirt is covered with a Krispy-Kreme-like glaze of snot and cough syrup.  Making time to work-out or pretend to be “caught up” on groceries or vaccinations, much less smaller things like laundry or the dishes is a JOKE.

So, there you have it.  Please forgive us.  We’re not self-centered, we’re just overwhelmed.  We love you and we’re thinking of you.  We just can’t manage to let you know that right now, or to hang out with you this weekend, because we’re in 2-kid-boot-camp, changing diapers, juggling bedtimes, administering antibiotics, and trying to not to throttle our children or each other.  No big deal. 

Quoting a book we read, and adding her own interpretation, Reese likes to tell us, “I love you all the way out of this Earth, past the moon, touching the stars!”  It melts your heart, but sometimes, you also just need a break, want to feel a little less like an extraterrestrial, and want to come back down where the gravity is more predictable and you’re on the same page as everyone else you know.  Maybe, as spring break approaches and Lukas cuts his 3^rd tooth, that will be soon and I’ll actually get to watch that video you sent me back in November or post some photos of Thailand.  :)

Summer snippets

Some more photos of our summer... because, you know, writing actual WORDS takes time (which I don't have, sadly).  

: )

Pete & Reese making chocolate chip cookies

 Reese with her new pajamas from Gramma -- yeah for Christmas in July!

While the rest of us play in the pool, Lukas watches our stuff and rests his eyelids. 

We've done a LOT of reading this summer, late into the night even.  You know, like past 8:30 pm.

 

The smiles are beginning to show themselves...

 

Reese has become SUPER confident at the pool, very super-hero-esque!

 

Making play-doh on a stormy afternoon.

 

Reese (nearly 4 yrs old) & Lukas (7 wks).

 

One of many picnics & pizza parties with friends (Reese is the blonde one in the sunshine)

 

Eight weeks old and grinning!

Photos of Lukas

Because who knows WHEN I’ll actually get to write a post about him!  :)

 Day 1 & 2

 

Week 1

 

Week 2

 

 

Week 3 

 

Week 4

 

Week 5

The good, the bad, and the ugly…

Everyone keeps asking me, “so, how is it with two kids?” or “what’s it like to have a toddler and a newborn?”  It’s such an impossible question to answer.  It’s like, “what’s it’s like living on Earth?” or “how does it feel to breath oxygen?”  You just DO it, you know, there is no other way to get it done or to live once you’re there.  There are simply good days and bad days, great hours and miserable ones.

On bad days, before we’re even out the door, I’m soaked through, sweating from the humidity and from “wearing” Lukas in a carrier, pressed to my body while I beg Reese, for the 14^th time, to PLEASE get her shoes on.  On bad days, I drop my purse into a puddle as I attempt to maneuver my preschooler into the stroller, balancing the weight, and hoping I’m still supporting Lukas’ nodding little head.  Cussing at my luck and the purse’s trajectory, I think, “whew, just the outside got wet!  The diapers are dry!”  Until, of course, I realize that the water bottle inside the purse has opened and flooded it all out.  I won’t repeat the awful words that Reese said, mimicking me.  This, just minutes out the door, and only seconds after I’ve realized that I forgot the bug spray (again) and am now covered in a fresh set of a dozen or more bites.  

Sometimes, all this happens because I’m trying to give Pete some time in the new apartment to get things done and put together, or to cook dinner in peace, as well as taking Reese to a play and sing-along class, but it’s becoming less and less worthwhile to me on a bad morning.  Frustratingly, I snap at her for yet again not following my directions, and then immediately regret it as (a) she’s really done nothing much wrong and (b) she bursts into tears, already sensitive from getting less attention as compared to her baby brother.

Other things happen that don’t really ruin your day, but do make you think twice (just for a second) about your life’s choices.  You wonder why does she NEED to ask “why?” over and over (and over).  You think, “he is just awake right now just to spite me/us” or “the laundry pile will never shrink.”

Of course, on good days, we go for walks to the playground, Reese discovers ants and bumblebees, it turns into a lesson, and Lukas is sleeping peacefully on my chest, breathing oh-so-innocently.  I forget that there are still suitcases to unpack and I’m not grumpy or hormonal (I have, or course, just had a baby!).  Pete makes a delicious dinner and he’s managed to get the internet working again as well as fixing one of the sinks in our apartment.  The landlord has not fixed the air conditioner—rather he has replaced it with a new one!  Friends visit and coo over Lukas, we spend days on end in pools having picnics with people from all over the world, or we spend a night in and sing Mary Poppins songs together as Reese sees the movie for the first time and Pete and I remember what a gem it is.

Luckily, as June progressed into July, and Lukas slept more, we saw more good days than not and began adjusting to life as a family of four.  The move between apartments, though, was not as smooth as we would have liked.  I’ll be honest: June was ROUGH!  We could not have shown you the best examples of our parenting skills, as we seemed to forget them, amongst the fog of less sleep and new surroundings.  The move itself was pretty terrible as the mover was throwing our things into the truck, charged us twice what we expected, and the whole endeavor took place during torrential rain showers.  Don’t ask Pete about it—he’s still upset. 

I used to read and write quite often.  But it’s been ages since I actually finished a novel (parenting books don’t count) and this blog post has been in draft format for A MONTH, I kid you not.  Pete didn’t get on a his play bike for far too many weeks at once and we still haven’t seen as much of Shanghai as one would expect given that we’ve lived here for nearly a full year.

But, the beauty of it all is that we have these two healthy, (relatively) happy, and beautiful children.  (Incidentally- the Chinese character for “good” or “perfect” is made up of the characters/words of “girl” and “boy,” in that order.  Several Chinese people have pointed this out as a sign of our blessings.)  Our marriage may very well be stronger than it ever has been and we are living in an apartment of our own choosing and it’s giving us a more authentic experience here in China.  CHINA.  Where we live!  That’s still a wild concept to me.  So, while I’m laughing at myself, and the phrase “be careful what you wish for” is ringing in my ears, I’m also reminded that amongst these God-awful wars and plane crashes, I have nothing to complain about!  Even if, for the umpteenth time, I am wiping poo off my shirt and doing the 7^th load of laundry today.

On healthcare and finding happiness in Chinese hospitals

I sat in my doctor’s office for more than 3 hours today, dividing my time between seeing her or a nurse, having tests, and (mostly) waiting.  I’m one of the lucky ones.  Most Chinese people in most Chinese hospitals queue up for hours and hope to get a couple minutes with their actual doctor.  [When my assistant takes time from work to take her son for his shots, she has to ask for the whole day off.]  Over the span of my morning, I sat down with mine for 3 separate chats, each lasting about 5-10 minutes.  I get this special treatment because I pay extra for essentially privatized care in the “VIP ward” of the hospital where I will be having my baby.  Moreover, today was an exception.  Some of my visits have been as short as 30-60 minutes.

Living overseas has proven to be exactly what I’d hoped for: a cultural education, a humbling experience, and an opening of the eyes.  I’ve mentioned before that this is truer now that we’re going through the process of having a baby in China.  The irony that we are having our second child in the country famous for it’s one-child policy is not lost on us.  But as with everything, our experience and those national policies are positive AND negative, complicated and full of gray areas.  If you think what you know is “better,” then throw those assumptions and arrogance out the window, my friend. 

I attempted to take pictures today at the hospital, anticipating a blog coming from my reflections and my time this morning.  None of them came out or represented the experience completely enough and I eventually gave up.  It’s hard seeing things from your eyes and your perspectives.  I try to imagine how you would view what I see, most of which is already “normal” in my mind. 

The hospital is crowded; there are lines everywhere.  Each clinic and test type is separate- with it’s own packed-in-like-sardines lines and people everywhere.   [If you aren’t touching the person in front of you, you may as well ask people to cut in front of you!]  There’s a central atrium with escalators on each side… making it feel more like a shopping mall, at times, than a hospital.  It doesn’t have that sterilized scent and it’s not silent or foreboding.  The neighborhood surrounding the hospital isn’t dotted with pharmacies, the way it would be in the US, or even in Turkey.  Instead, every shop door on each block of the hospital is restaurants and noodle shops.  I wonder if that’s what I’ll ask Pete to bring me to eat once we’re in recovery…

In many ways, I prefer Chinese hospitals to those in the US.  I like that it doesn’t have that “dead” feeling that many of us dread about hospitals in the States.  I like that you see healthy people everywhere and there is a bustling energy that is non-existent in the hallowed halls and waiting rooms of the US.  I like that the hospitals here are both clinics for day-to-day procedures and visits like vaccinations, complaints of the flu, and blood tests.  It feels less… dire, less severe than the emergencies and despair that I associate American hospitals with.  I generally trust the medical expertise of the professionals I'm seeing and it's amazingly affordable compared to the insanity of American healthcare costs.

Of course, it also drives me mad.  The crowds are incessant, the noise is overwhelming, and the lines are exhausting (especially at 39 weeks pregnant).  More importantly, I’m still stifled under the cultural differences of care and bed manner here as compared to the West.  When I share my thoughts and experiences with my Chinese colleagues at school, we both clearly marvel at one another’s expectations and cultural mores.  The idea of the patient-doctor relationship, in terms of friendliness, understanding psychology, explaining procedures, and asking questions is all very different.  I see a different nurse nearly every time I go to my doctor and they all regularly say things outright that would never be said in the US because they are upsetting, considered rude, or might confuse a patient.  I’m learning to practice keeping calm and to trust my body and what I’m feeling; I no longer overreact or cry when the unexpected occurs.

This is neither a rant nor a rave about the Chinese healthcare system.  It’s neither better nor worse than what I have experienced in the US or in Turkey.  When I compare notes with my British or Canadian colleagues, I’m not convinced anyone of these countries has gotten it “right” yet.  Lines are a problem in one place; costs are an issue in others.  American healthcare has got some things I love and some things I hate.  I know many of my expat colleagues feel the same about their systems in the Netherlands, or in Ireland, or in Hong Kong. 

The good news is that our little baby and I are healthy as we approach the final week(s) of this pregnancy.  He’s hanging out and showing no signs of exiting anytime soon and I’m learning, day by day, to be okay with that until he does arrive.  In the mean time, I’m also focusing on being more flexible (with time), adjusting my expectations (of others), and controlling my own needs to… well… be in control all the time. Lessons learned in a Chinese hospital-- who would have thought?!

I'm so high right now

Gratitude is a powerful drug.  I won’t go so far as to incriminate myself or to make any assumptions about your familiarity by hazarding comparisons (though I daresay I could for some of you!).  Suffice it to say I am feeling “high” on gratitude lately, whether it’s just an “upper” or a hallucinogenic matters little to me! 

(BELOW: Reese in the puddles, makes me giggle every time-- she is just so happy with life!)

 

There are a number of factors contributing to this feeling, of course…

My family is pretty awesome.  Reese is a rock star in her own right; watching her learn to swim and to sing in Mandarin, to name just a couple things, is more rewarding than I can say.  Pete is still the man of my DREAMS and I get to come home from work each day to see both of them.  My parents and mother-in-law visit regularly and my siblings “get” me.  Plus, I have a healthy baby on his way and I’m told that loving your second as much as your first is not as hard as it sounds.  :)

 

(ABOVE: a day at the skate park where Pete teaches Reese to ride and she learns confidence;

BELOW: having cocktails at the Waldorf Astoria-- well, just 1, given the price, but our date was LOVELY)

I’m fortunate enough to have astounding friends all around the world.  For the first time in my life, I am beginning to feel that I am using technology the way I want to in order to stay in touch.  This means more texting and emailing, more Skype conversations, and less useless “liking” on Facebook.  Do I still have a ways to go?  Absolutely!  But, I’m getting better and I feel more involved in the lives of the people that matter most to me and as if I am connecting with them more genuinely… even if I’m only 50% of the way there.  Plus, the generosity we’ve experienced from people gifting us with clothes, furniture, and more for our baby has been positively overwhelming.

(ABOVE: Mother's Day brunch with new friends from Chile, the US, and the UK)

It’s been a good month!  In the last 30 days, I’ve had hilarious picnics with my kid, romantic dates with my hubby, decadent (Mother’s Day) brunch with friends, read some captivating stories and even (wait for it) got a pedicure & massage.  The weather is looking more summer-ish week by week (so we get to play outside!) and summer vacation is just around the corner.  [Holy cow!  Just as I was finishing that last sentence a student brought me CAKE from a local bakery!  Seriously?]

(ABOVE: blueberry cheesecake on the left & chocolate mousse on the right!)

I am content at work.  I like my students & colleagues.  My supervisors credit the value I bring to the school and appreciate my contributions.  I am challenged and (occasionally) rewarded.  I have opportunities for collaboration with peers and I am making connections between my past education and my current experience.  It’s not all roses, but it ain’t half bad and I’m excited about what lies ahead (including a possible attendance at a conference in Amsterdam in November).

Around me, I’m sad to say, it often feels like the world is crumbling!  Family, friends, and colleagues are enduring serious crises daily.  Conversations and the realities of grief, infertility, suicide, bankruptcy, and kidnappings are very real RIGHT NOW for people that I love.  The news is only worse, of course.  Hundreds of innocent girls are taken from their parents in Nigeria, hundreds more are dead in a mine blast in Turkey, and wars are waged daily & globally.   Exploring the rationale behind these headlines (modernity vs religion & tradition in education, or worker’s safety vs economic demand for natural resources) can be daunting at best and depressing or deadly at worst.

So, today, while the sun is out and before the feeling slips away quickly… before the cynicism and fear of loss creep back in my mind, and before I remind myself of the things that aren't going my way, I am just going to be grateful for what I have.  I’m NOT forgetting all the rest, I’m just going to let myself take this “drug” today. Whether I deserve it or not, whether it will last another hour or another year, and whether it’s “fair” or just stupid luck, I’m gonna go with it right now.  I hope you can get high too!

 

(ABOVE: how could you not be happy with THIS in your life?!)

Yenbarski Baby #2

So, many of you already know that Pete, Reese, and I are expecting a little addition to our family this coming June.  It was a BIG surprise at first, but we are now anxiously awaiting the arrival of baby Beta (our nickname for child 2.0).  We’ve verified twice now that it’s a little boy and as we plow along through the 8^th month of this pregnancy, the reality that our little family of 3 will soon be 4 is becoming very intense.

[I'm posting preggers photos here simply for posterity's sake.  Mind you, the "quality" of these is AWFUL since they are either (a) selfies - which I positively HATE taking; (b) taken by Reese and so therefore, by definition, fuzzy; or (c) taken at night with an iPhone.  Please just scroll through.]

 (17 weeks along and showing much earlier with Beta than I did with Reese)

Thanks to a generous gift from Grandma at Christmas, we’ve already been to Ikea and started spending a great gift card’s value worth in stuff.  We’ve been given a crib and a gliding rocking chair!  Another couple straight out GAVE us their double Chariot stroller/bike trailer!  Have also accumulated a bassinet and baby bath.  When my parents came last month, they brought with them a large and very full suitcase of clothes, diapers, and more supplies from one of my best friends, Tara, who had her own little boy about 7 months ago.  The generousity we’ve encountered is beyond belief!

We’ve started to make space in Reese’s room and our own for this new little person and it’s hard to believe that he’ll be here before the school year is over.  (His due date is officially the 10^th - 15^th of June, but he’s measuring very big and so we doubt that we’ll make it that long!) According to all our prenatal appointments and tests, the baby is quite healthy (me too!) and measuring beyond his gestational age… which today is just beyond 35 weeks.

 

 (27 weeks along) 

We’ll be having the baby here in Shanghai, in the international/VIP (i.e. English-speaking) ward of a local Chinese hospital.  Our doctor is a Chinese woman who speaks English very well.  Going home to have the baby wasn’t an option as we’re not insured there and traveling late in the pregnancy would be tough and would require me missing too much work.  So, as Pete likes to say, our “made in China” baby will also be delivered here.  It’ll take about a month to get the Chinese birth certificate translated and made official by the US Embassy and we don’t anticipate having a passport for him any sooner than that either, plus he’ll then need a Chinese visa in said passport… which means we aren’t going to the States (or anywhere else) for our summer holidays.  Instead, we’ll be here in Shanghai, just getting accustomed to our new addition. 

Seeing a Chinese doctor, despite her very fluent English, has been an interesting cultural lesson too.  There are very obviously distinct expectations of the patient-doctor relationship, interactions, and expectations when it comes to my Western perspective and her Chinese one.  It’s not a bad thing, nor is it terribly uncomfortable.  It is, however… well, different.  In the US, as a patient I was seen as an equal partner in the process and my questions were welcome.  Here, the doctor is the expert (end of story!) and I fear my questions are seen, at best, as odd and, at worst, as rude.  I genuinely baffle the nurses.  I wonder whether my doctor is having as much difficulty handling me as I have handling her.  I’ve written up a birth-plan that I’ll be sharing with her this week and I can only guess what her reaction will be given the questions I received from our office assistant when she was translating it for me (in case the nurses don't all speak English once we arrive).  [What do you mean, "natural birth"?  What do you mean, "your husband should be present"?  When you say this, do you mean that?]  

 

 (30 weeks along)   

Some of my students are surprised to hear that I’ll be delivering our baby here.  They ask, mystified, “Miss Victoria— aren’t you going home to do that?!”  I reply, calmly, that given the millions of children that are born in China every year, I’m certain the medical staff can handle little ‘ole me.  I’m told, according to some Westerners, that Chinese hospitals won’t do blood transfusions for foreigners!  Apparently, they simply view us as being too different-- as if we were separate species!  Urban myth and cruel gossip, is all that is.  I think that’s probably a whole lot of misperception and discrimination as well as ignorance on the part of some of my peers living here.  We’re all human after all.

It has been an interesting experience though, being pregnant in a foreign land.  I remind myself that this is part of why we moved overseas.  We wanted to see how others around the world really live, what their experiences are like, what is their norm, how are we similar, and how are we different?  What more fundamental a way to do that than through the process of creating life?  Comparing birth stories with Western and Chinese colleagues and friends has been… informative, to say the least.  While I complain about (nearly) all things American, I had a perfect birth in the US and I won't fault that system (much).  Hopefully, I’ll soon be able to share the details of our next birth with some further insight and detail into the hospital setting (and hospitality?) of China.

(34 weeks along, and, yes I'm still riding my bike -- get over it, Mother!)